1. Stuck in the Pandering Middle

    The Headline: Menendez: McCain Has Taken Sides With Hardliners And Anti-Immigrants - Politics on The Huffington Post

    What it Means: The triangulation to the middle by the two major Presidential candidates has begun ladies and gentlemen! Step aboard the double talk express, with two new routes, connecting through Denver in August and Minneapolis in September - final destination 1600 Pennsylvania Ave!

    So, John McCain is an immigration reform maverick, um - unless that offends his anti-immigration base.

    Barack Obama? He’s going to end the war and bring home the troops to usher in a new progressive era of peace and prosperity - unless of course Iran acts up, in which case he’ll use 'whatever means necesarry' to get the votes of national security-minded independents - er, I mean, ensure stability in the Middle East.

    Next, look for McCain to try and win back the Hispanic vote by joining a Tejano band. And Obama will appeal to white male voters by emphasizing his Kansas roots and leaking a DNA test that finds his father’s African blood isn’t quite pure, officially making him three-fifth’s white. The candidate will hold a press conference, declaring:

    "In the days of our founding fathers, two-fifths of me would only have been counted as three-fifths of a person - but I stand here today to tell you that the three-fifths of me that would have counted as a whole person back then understands the pain of both my three-fifths brothers and sisters and my two-fifths cousins, but obviously, I understand all three-fifths people about a fifth more, both you old-time three-fifthers and the new ones, by which I mean white people."